Just a Pan

More than eighteen years ago I was given a gift. I was a young bride visiting Derek's family in Minnesota for the very first time. His family threw a shower for me and I received mostly kitchen items. I wasn't much of a cook at the time and I don't think the women in his family knew quite what to make of just married 18 year old me. So a kitchen shower it turned out to be. I was given hand stitched kitchen towels, hot pads, miscellaneous kitchen gadgets, a cookbook or two and a baking pan. I had never seen a personalized baking pan before, as far as I know we didn't have such things in California. I think maybe it's a Minnesota thing. So I was given this 9x13 pan with my name engraved on the pan part and on the lid. I know I didn't fully appreciate this gift at the time. I probably thought. A pan. With my name on it. Huh. Over the years however I have just about worn this pan out. It has a tiny hole on one side that I have taped over. Because of this hole my cakes don't bake quite evenly, turning out just a little bit lopsided but tasting just as yummy as ever. Also you can no longer see my name on the pan. Somewhere along the line it rubbed right off.

So what brought on this sudden urge to tell you about my pan?

I washed it today. Kamiryn ate the last bit of apple crisp and the dishwasher was already full. So I filled the pan with hot sudsy water and gave it a scrub. When it was clean I stood staring at my pan. I was looking at the permanent grid on the bottom of the pan and I remembered once when a friend with a similar pan was very careful each time she cut a dessert so as to not leave lines in the bottom of her pan. So I stood thinking of all of the desserts that the lines in my pan represent.
I once baked a cake in that pan for the missionaries. After dinner we each had a piece of cake and then left the dining room to visit for a bit. While the Elders were sharing a nice message with us I noticed that my then toddler Madi girl was no longer in the family room with us. After a very short search we discovered Madison sitting in the middle of the dining room table next to the pan. Cake was everywhere as she was shoving cake into her mouth with both fists.
My pan has hosted more birthday cakes than I can count. I learned how to make "bars" in that pan. This is another Midwest thing....I had never heard of bars in California. My favorite turned out to be O Henry bars from the Henning First Baptist cookbook. This pan has seen cakes, bars, crisps, crumbles and just about every dessert you can put in a pan. Pumpkin dump cake, lemon bars, Lori's grandma's apple crisp, lemon strawberry rhubarb cake, and so much more. After reminiscing for a few moments I turned the pan over to wipe off the bottom. Then I observed that one set of lines stood out above all the others from this reverse angle. I knew at once which treat I had made more than all the others. A favorite that I cut the exact same way each time. Chocolaty goodness that is distributed in the pan so that the edge pieces are smaller and the center pieces are the biggest. Brownies. The cure for sadness of every variety. I can even tell you which piece I eat first every time. As I am trying to overcome my addiction to chocolate cut back on my chocolate consumption at the moment I haven't made brownies in a while. I am learning to mourn, celebrate and cope in different ways. But don't think for a moment that I am parting with my pan.