In His Absence

Here is a copy of the talk I gave in church today.

Father's Day.

While Derek worked.

He missed it, so here it is.

Today I’ve been asked to speak on fatherhood. Shocking I know. This talk was harder to prepare than I thought it would be. Especially since Derek isn’t here today and neither of my dads attend this church. So I can’t just go on and on saying nice things about them. As Madison would say, that would be awkward! So I started thinking in broader terms. Actually I saw the cover of a magazine at the newsstand about a pregnant celebrity and her relationship to the baby’s father. It isn’t much of a surprise that they are not married.
So according to the world what makes a man a good father? Some answers I came up with are someone who pays his child support in full and on time. Someone who shows up for his regularly scheduled visits. Being drug free and sober…..around his children. And for older children it would mean giving them what they want without limits and staying out of their way. It definitely is not a priority in the world’s eyes for the father to be married to the mother of his children or to be a respectable, law abiding citizen. Also what the world would appreciate as a good example would probably be quite different from our expectations as a role model. We would think of things such as honesty, intregity, humility, perseverance and being a righteous Priesthood holder.
The views on fatherhood according to church and gospel standards are much different from the world’s views however, and for that I am very grateful. There are many examples of righteous fatherhood in the scriptures and in the church today. Abraham, Joseph, Lehi, Alma the older, King Benjamin and Mosiah and our latter day prophets to name a few. All of these men followed the teachings of Jesus and sought wisdom from our Father in Heaven in leading and guiding their families.
Today in the church there are many resources on parenthood. The church’s views on fatherhood are quite clear. In A Proclamation to the World paragraph one it states that “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.” Just from that first paragraph we know that our expectations are different from that of the world. Our Heavenly Father expects us to be married as husband and wife in the Temple to create the ideal family relationship. One that can continue for eternity.
I do know that some of us do not live with this ideal right now. I also know that some of us did not start our families with this ideal situation and many of us were not raised with this example. That is all okay. There are still many ways to follow the teachings of the church and our Father in Heaven as we strive for God’s goal for us all.
Paragraph six of the proclamation goes into detail about the specific duties of parents and thus of fathers. “Husbands and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other and for their children…..Parents have a sacred duty to rear their children in love and righteousness, to provide for their physical and spiritual needs, to teach them to love and serve one another, to observe the commandments of God and to be law-abiding citizens wherever they live. Husbands and wives- mothers and fathers – will be held accountable before God for the discharge of these obligations.” There are 11 principles in that paragraph alone, many of which contradict the world’s view of good parenting. ALL of these are attainable even without the ideal of a Temple marriage.
Paragraph seven goes on to teach more about family life. I find it interesting that much of what is in paragraph one is repeated here in paragraph 7. “The family is ordained of God. Marriage between a man and a woman is essential to His eternal plan. Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” This paragraph also goes on to provide very specific ways to accomplish this. “Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities. By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families”……it goes on to say that “fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners”.
I truly appreciate that what is expected of each of us is so clearly laid out for all to see. There is no guess work involved. Of course we are each carrying out these obligations with varying degrees of enthusiasm and success. It is not easy to be a parent in these latter days. Not that it was ever easy. Each time period of history still had two year olds and teenagers to deal with. But now that we know what dad’s should be doing I’d like to talk about how we (that would be all the non-dad’s) can support and encourage them in their role as DAD.
In a talk titled “The Father Who Cares”, James E. Faust offers two suggestions for strengthening the father in the home. “First, sustain and respect the father in his position and second, give him love, understanding, and some appreciation for his efforts.” He goes on to speak directly to the wives saying “Let every mother understand that if she does anything to diminish her children’s father or the father’s image in the eyes of the children, it may injure and do irreparable damage to the self-worth and personal security of the children themselves. How infinitely more productive and satisfying it is for a woman to build up her husband rather than tear him down.” He continues on saying……
“In terms of giving fathers love and understanding, it should be remembered that fathers also have times of insecurity and doubt. Everyone knows fathers make mistakes—especially they themselves. Fathers need all the help they can get; mostly they need love, support, and understanding from their own.”
So we need to go easy on our husband’s and father’s. We need to be encouraging in our words and actions, thoughtful of ways that we can make their jobs easier, kind in our words to and about them. We can support dad and show our love by listening, obeying and being easier to get along with ourselves. We can also support our fathers by making mom’s life easier. Then mom will complain less to dad and everyone will be happier. We can participate in family prayer, family scripture study, family home evening and meal times with a good attitude and a willingness to be involved. I also happen to know that most dad’s like chocolate chip cookies and other little tangible reminders that they are loved and appreciated.
Even though Derek is not here today, I want to publicly express my love and gratitude for him. He is the perfect husband for me and the perfect dad for our family. Derek is a man of honesty, intregity, loyalty, hard work and dedication. I am grateful to him that he honors his Priesthood and is available to give blessings. He works hard so that I can be a stay at home mom and homeshcool our beautiful little girls. He willingly goes to plays and watches Disney movies (his favorite is Mulan). He supports the girls and myself in many activities and never complains about lessons, practices, recitals, rehearsals, meetings, activities, events or concerts. In fact, Derek never really complains about anything. He mows the lawn, takes out the trash (most of the time), helps with laundry and dishes, brushes little girl teeth, sings and dances to entertain the girls, irons his own clothes, reads bedtime stories, plays in the yard, makes us laugh often and so much more. I am thankful for him in our lives.
I know that each of you dads here are similarly appreciated by your own wives and children for all that you do and for all of the ways that make you special and unique in your family. As each of you dad’s strive to uphold the gospel standards of what a good father is and not just settle for the world’s standards only, I know that you will be blessed in your efforts and supported by a loving Father in Heaven. I am grateful for Heavenly Father’s love for us in providing a plan to return to Him and I am grateful that this plan involves eternal families. I am especially grateful for our Savior Jesus Christ for making the plan possible with his great atoning sacrifice. These things I say in the name of …………………..
Happy Father’s Day to my wonderful husband. I love you Derek!